Top ten reasons why the GOP wants Fred Thompson
- If you’re going to tell American voters tall tales, you need to nominate the tallest candidate.
- GOP voters expect their politicians to tell them what they want to hear…and they insist that the nominee is able to execute that task well and with flair.
- GOP voters are skittish about men like John McCain…they prefer that their presidential candidates either have no military experience or that they know how to fake it.
- He has experience with partisan presidential politics…he starred in The Hunt For Red October…which should translate well into a red November.
- Rudi Giuliani brought law and order to New York City…but Fred Thompson brought Law & Order to every American home.
- He would do a much better job with natural disasters like Katrina…he learned the dangers of wind and water when filming Cape Fear.
- Actors make the best GOP candidates…you give them a script, they memorize it, and they repeat it over and over again.
- He won’t be afraid to continue the Bush administration’s torture policy…he’s already threatened to give Michael Moore electro-shock therapy in Cuba.
- Mitt Romney may have Ronald Reagan’s hair…but Fred Thompson can be counted on to continue the Reagan tradition of having only one wife at a time.
- Since the Clinton presidency, GOP voters want to be sure that their president prefers to smoke his cigars.
Courtesy of Thought Theater
Did your mamma make you wear that shirt?
...not far from the tree!
John Ellis Bush, the youngest son of Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, was arrested early Friday and charged with public intoxication and resisting arrest, law enforcement officials in Texas said.
The 21-year-old nephew of President Bush was arrested by the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission at 2:30 a.m. Friday on a corner of Austin's Sixth Street bar district, said spokesman Roger Wade.
The nephew of President Bush was released on $2,500 bond for the resisting arrest charge, and on a personal recognizance bond for the public intoxication charge, officials said.
It's not the first time Florida's first family has experienced legal problems with one of their children.
Noelle Bush, the governor's daughter, was arrested in January 2002 and accused of trying to pass a fraudulent prescription at a pharmacy to obtain the anti-anxiety drug Xanax. She completed a drug rehabilitation program in August 2003 and a judge dismissed the drug charges against her.
Urgent message from John Cleese
To the Citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a called "Come-Uppance Day."
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline")-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.
9. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
12. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i. e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your
co-operation and have a great day.
15. Start pronouncing "Queen Camilla." She will be your next queen!
David Letterman's Top Ten Questions For The Fema Director Application
10. "Are you able to convey a false sense of security?"
9. "What percentage of your resume is fabricated?"
8. "In a crisis, which state or local officials would you blame?"
7. "What are your plans after you resign?"
6. "Do you mind if the last guy left the office smelling like Arabian horses?"
5. "Which is most serious: A disaster, a catastrophe, or a dis-astrophe?"
4. "Does Robert Blake dating again count as an emergency?"
3. "Can the president easily add '-ie' to your last name to form a nickname?"
2. "Can you screw up bad enough to take the heat off the president's mistakes?"
1. "Michael Brown...Idiot or moron?"
Bushie........you're doing a heck of a job!
Approve of President?
Right-wing wackos 39%
Country on Right Track?
Conservative kool-aid drinkers 32%
Wrong Track 65%
Not Sure 3%
Bush Issue Approval
Foreign Policy/War on Terror
Slow thinkers 46%
Conservative Elitists 27%
Top 10 most egregious instances of looting.
10. Gas stations charging four dollars a gallon in anticipation of higher oil prices.
9. Enron, Tyco, Worldcom, Adelphia, Arthur Andersen, Global Crossing, etc.
8. Pharmaceutical interests' authorship of the Medicare prescription drug "benefit."
7. The invasion of Iraq.
6. Taking 365 vacation days for every four years in office.
5. The energy bill.
4. No-bid, cost-plus contracts for Halliburton.
3. Record quarterly profits for the petroleum industry while we wage two wars.
2. The 2000 and 2004 elections.
1. Trickle-down effect: reallocating funds for New Orleans levee repair to pay for tax cuts for the wealthy.
Proposed New Slogans for the Republican Party
The Republican Party: We [Heart] Looters
The Republican Party: If We Could Do That Well With a Hurricane, Just Imagine How We'll Do With a Dirty Nuke!
The Republican Party: You Mean, This Isn't What Jesus Would Do?
The Republican Party: Representing the Richest 1% and the Dumbest 48%
The Republican Party: Pro-Life and Pro-Death
The Republican Party: September 11th. Recession. Iraq War. Favors for the Super Rich. Abu Ghraib. Record Oil and Gas Prices. New Orleans. But At Least No Blowjobs!
The Republican Party: Give Us Four More Years and We Promise Pestilence and Plague
The Republican Party: Blah Blah Blah Jesus Blah Blah Jesus Blah Blah Jesus Blah
The Republican Party: Election Fraud Works!
The Republican Party: Almost as Well Informed as Bloggers
The Republican Party: Leveling the Playing Field Between America and the Third World
The Republican Party: Code Orange
The Republican Party: Um...Jesus?
The Republican Party: Accountability is for losers
Thanks to Bruner Blog
I found out long ago......
.....It's a long way down the Holiday Road.
How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?
- One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;
- One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;
- One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;
- One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for eternal darkness;
- One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;
- One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner 'Bulb Accomplished';
- One administration insider to resign and in detail reveal how Bush was literally 'in the dark' the whole time;
- One to viciously smear No. 7;
- One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;
- And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
Why you can't compare Iraq's "New Start" to ours.
Thanks to Hoffmania
- America brought about change on its own. Iraq didn't.
- America didn't have the British government breathing down their necks to draft our constitution.
- America didn't have three tribes and an influx of terrorists to deal with due to an attack by the British.
- If you really want to make comparisons, don't forget...
- America had a bloody civil war. By all evidence, so will Iraq.
- America, until 20th Century liberal lawmaking, turned a blind eye to slavery, lynching, and suppressing minorities' and women's rights.
- America is still having a hard time abiding by the constitution we have.
Another case of a Compassionate Conservative
On the evening of August 10, Hannah Shaffer of Glen Mills, Pennsylvania, decided to go to the nearby Barnes & Noble outside of Wilmington. She wanted to see Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, who was promoting his book, “It Takes a Family.”
The event was billed as a “book signing and discussion,” Shaffer says.
But discussion was the last thing that the Senator’s people wanted.
“Do you want me to get rid of them?” said the compassionate conservative.