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Sunday, September 18, 2005

Did your mamma make you wear that shirt?

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...not far from the tree!

Image hosted by John Ellis Bush, the youngest son of Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, was arrested early Friday and charged with public intoxication and resisting arrest, law enforcement officials in Texas said.

The 21-year-old nephew of President Bush was arrested by the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission at 2:30 a.m. Friday on a corner of Austin's Sixth Street bar district, said spokesman Roger Wade.

The nephew of President Bush was released on $2,500 bond for the resisting arrest charge, and on a personal recognizance bond for the public intoxication charge, officials said.

It's not the first time Florida's first family has experienced legal problems with one of their children.

Noelle Bush, the governor's daughter, was arrested in January 2002 and accused of trying to pass a fraudulent prescription at a pharmacy to obtain the anti-anxiety drug Xanax. She completed a drug rehabilitation program in August 2003 and a judge dismissed the drug charges against her.

Build me up, buttercup!

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Urgent message from John Cleese

Image hosted by TinyPic.comTo the Citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a called "Come-Uppance Day."

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline")-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

9. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i. e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your
co-operation and have a great day.

15. Start pronouncing "Queen Camilla." She will be your next queen!

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Did I make myself clear?

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David Letterman's Top Ten Questions For The Fema Director Application

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10. "Are you able to convey a false sense of security?"

9. "What percentage of your resume is fabricated?"

8. "In a crisis, which state or local officials would you blame?"

7. "What are your plans after you resign?"

6. "Do you mind if the last guy left the office smelling like Arabian horses?"

5. "Which is most serious: A disaster, a catastrophe, or a dis-astrophe?"

4. "Does Robert Blake dating again count as an emergency?"

3. "Can the president easily add '-ie' to your last name to form a nickname?"

2. "Can you screw up bad enough to take the heat off the president's mistakes?"

1. "Michael Brown...Idiot or moron?"

Saturday, September 10, 2005're doing a heck of a job!

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Approve of President?

Right-wing wackos 39%
No 59%
Mixed 1%
Unsure 1%

Country on Right Track?

Conservative kool-aid drinkers 32%
Wrong Track 65%
Not Sure 3%

Bush Issue Approval

Approve 41%
Disapprove 57%

Sheep 38%
Disapprove 59%

Foreign Policy/War on Terror
Approve 43%
Disapprove 55%

Chickenhawks 37%
Disapprove 62%

Social Security
Approve 35%
Disapprove 61%

Hurricane Katrina
Slow thinkers 46%
Disapprove 52%

Gas Prices
Conservative Elitists 27%
Disapprove 70%

Top 10 most egregious instances of looting.

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10. Gas stations charging four dollars a gallon in anticipation of higher oil prices.

9. Enron, Tyco, Worldcom, Adelphia, Arthur Andersen, Global Crossing, etc.

8. Pharmaceutical interests' authorship of the Medicare prescription drug "benefit."

7. The invasion of Iraq.

6. Taking 365 vacation days for every four years in office.

5. The energy bill.

4. No-bid, cost-plus contracts for Halliburton.

3. Record quarterly profits for the petroleum industry while we wage two wars.

2. The 2000 and 2004 elections.

1. Trickle-down effect: reallocating funds for New Orleans levee repair to pay for tax cuts for the wealthy.

The Blame Game

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Monday, September 05, 2005

Say Cheese

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Troop Movement

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Proposed New Slogans for the Republican Party

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The Republican Party: We [Heart] Looters

The Republican Party: If We Could Do That Well With a Hurricane, Just Imagine How We'll Do With a Dirty Nuke!

The Republican Party: You Mean, This Isn't What Jesus Would Do?

The Republican Party: Representing the Richest 1% and the Dumbest 48%

The Republican Party: Pro-Life and Pro-Death

The Republican Party: September 11th. Recession. Iraq War. Favors for the Super Rich. Abu Ghraib. Record Oil and Gas Prices. New Orleans. But At Least No Blowjobs!

The Republican Party: Give Us Four More Years and We Promise Pestilence and Plague

The Republican Party: Blah Blah Blah Jesus Blah Blah Jesus Blah Blah Jesus Blah

The Republican Party: Election Fraud Works!

The Republican Party: Almost as Well Informed as Bloggers

The Republican Party: Leveling the Playing Field Between America and the Third World

The Republican Party: Code Orange

The Republican Party: Um...Jesus?

The Republican Party: Accountability is for losers

Thanks to Bruner Blog

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Don't feed the birds

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