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Monday, January 31, 2005

Iraqi election update

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Allawi may have gone just a little bit overboard:

"Not only are we going to Fallujah, we're going to Abu Ghraib and Sadr City and Mosul and Basrah, and we're going to Kirkuk and Najaf and Tikrit and we're going to Baghdad to take back the Presidential Palace, Yeeeeeaaaaaarrggh!"

Saturday, January 29, 2005

Not again!

You might be a Bush supporter if…

1. …you think Spongebob Squarepants is a homosexual, but Condoleeza Rice isn’t.

2. …you think “the hood” is what you wear to a Klan rally.

3. …you think “Yale” is what you do to Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s name during a NASCAR race.

4. …you believe RU486 is a science fiction movie.

5. …you turn on the radio whenever someone says you need to “rush.”

6. …you think “hip hop” is what you do to avoid the homeless person hanging out in front of your building.

7. …you believe that a cut in your family’s income makes it harder for you to pay your bills, but a cut in the federal government’s income makes it easier to pay its bills.

8. …you think “fatwah” is the obese Chinese guy who runs the restaurant around the corner from your house.

9. …you think Muhammad Ali must be a member of Al Qaeda.

10. …you think Jewish holocaust survivors voted for Pat Buchanan.

11. …you think Arnold Schwarzenegger is a gentleman, and Bill Clinton is a pervert.

12. …you boycott Heinz Ketchup because you think the former wife of the Heinz heir somehow controls the company instead of its board of directors and stockholders.

13. …you get incredibly offended when someone says something nice about your lesbian daughter.

14. …you think Nicolette Sheridan is a slut, but Anne Coulter is a lady.

15. …you think freedom means making up someone else’s mind for them.

16. …you think it’s a victory for freedom and democracy if Iraqis vote in Iraq, but “voter fraud” and an attempt to “steal the election” if minority Democrats are permitted to vote in the United States.

The fresh air of Democracy


Monday, January 24, 2005

Al Franken TV

He hasn't even been on the radio for a year, and liberal funnyman and commentator Al Franken is greatly expanding into big-city markets like Washington. But we hear that there's more in store. In D.C. last week to crash President Bush 's inaugural, Franken told us that he's in the final stages of negotiating a long-term contract with the Sundance Channel, the same outfit that temporarily aired his radio show up to Election Day. Franken, the face of the lefty Air America radio network, is thinking big when it comes to TV. Like Howard Stern and Don Imus big. Both of those jocks have popular TV outlets for their radio shows, and Franken eyes borrowing a little from each. "It's sort of halfway in between what Imus does, which is literally a live show on MSNBC, and what Stern does," Franken said, explaining his grand plan. What Stern does, he added, is tape his show and reair it a few weeks later with lots of cool graphics. What Franken wants to do is an Imus-Stern combo: Tape his radio show, edit it, then air a shortened but snazzed-up version on Sundance that night.

SpongeBob denies that he is gay

.......not that there is anything wrong with that!

SpongeBob SquarePants lashed out at Christian conservative groups today after they accused him of promoting homosexuality and questioned the undersea cartoon icon's sexuality. SquarePants also requested that the tabloid media respect his privacy during what he called "a difficult time."

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Liberty Flourishes in...Iran?

Apparently, Iran is harbouring more liberty than oppression these days, at least when compared to the US in expatriate Iraqi voter registration.

Of the 234,000 Iraqi expats living Stateside, only 16,794 have registered to vote in the upcoming elections. In Iran, 41,088 of the 81,000 Iraqi expats have registered. Iran is beating us by 51% to 7%. You'd think that Bush, who is so fond of inflating numbers, would exert the minimal effort required to register the American Iraqis.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Wishing & Hoping & Praying

The most disturbing undertone of Condi's confirmation hearing was the only point of agreement among all the Senators: that their confirmation would transform Dr. Rice into a competent public official.

When she tried to foist off a very basic question about currency to the Dept. of the Treasury, Dick Lugar did what he almost never does. He spoke out of turn to point out that the issue was of central concern to the State Department, and then, like almost every Senator who spoke over the last two days, he expressed a fervent hope that Dr. Rice will grow to more fully understand the nature of her new responsibility when she is appointed.

That's hardly the kind of endorsement a Secretary of State should be getting from a Republican chairman of her approving committee. Competency is the least that should be expected, but particularly now, when the Secretary of State will face a clear and pressing agenda where so much is at stake, there should be unanimous faith in her ability, not a unanimous hope that she will somehow transform herself into a fully functioning chief diplomat.

Most telling is Condi's own perspective on her role. When asked by Obama about the suppression of dissenting viewpoints in the Bush administration, she explained that the President is the only elected official in the Executive Branch, and her job is to serve him. Though you can justify such a cloying job description at NSA, at State that is simply unacceptable. The fact that she doesn't understand the role she is stepping into was abundantly clear to the committee who seemed to throw up its hands and pray that she'll somehow mature upon her confirmation.

The committee then adjourned to go tilt at windmills.

Monday, January 17, 2005

That old black magic

Well, Hersh has done it again, with another fine expose. This time out, he's revealing the secret plans for Operation Iraqi Freedom II: Iran.

Among the highlights of the piece is the resurfacing of that old chestnut that Cheney was so fond of offering in support of the Iraqi invasion: that an initial American strike would set off a natural eruption of anti-regime violence that will take care of the bulk of the fighting for us.

Another gem is Rummy's inventive back-door solution to the consolidation of intelligence outside of the Pentagon. By having the President sign findings and orders that authorize "black intelligence" operations, Rummy can gather intelligence without having to report to congress, the way the CIA would if they ran a covert operation. Rummy's playing these ops so close to the vest that he's not even sharing the information they gathered with his CINC's. So, not only has intelligence reform failed to streamline the flow of information, it has deepend the fractures between our spies and our military commanders.

Friday, January 14, 2005

How to become a Christian

Would you like to become a Christian? Then pray for a natural disaster and they will be answered by "WorldHelp," a Virginia-based missionary group.

Jesus H. Christ

Luckily, this did not come to fruition. The Indonesian government blocked the move.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

And the hits just keep on coming...

In our continuing coverage of the administration's media manipulation (read "propaganda"), the Financial Times reports that our man in Iraq is no slouch at this game, either.

Saturday, January 08, 2005

So much for a moral Administration

-Producing fake news stories.
-Paying TV hosts to push their agenda.

Can this Administration go any lower?

Oh, I'm sure they'll come up with something.

Friday, January 07, 2005

Lasers of Mass Destruction.

Federal authorities Tuesday used the Patriot Act to charge a man with pointing a laser beam at an airplane overhead and temporarily blinding the pilot and co-pilot.

The FBI acknowledged the incident had no connection to terrorism but called David Banach's actions "foolhardy and negligent."

Kindergarten Crop

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has shocked education groups by not only breaking a deal that would give schools more money this year, but also proposing to weaken the Proposition 98 school-funding guarantee in the future.

Bush the Philanthropist

In response to the the recent cataclysmic earthquake and tidal waves in South Asia, President and Mrs. Bush are taking aggressive steps to serve as the very personifications of Christian altruism.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Inaugural Suggestions

Good suggestions from a letter that got sent to the White House:

In the name of mercy and prudence, I'd like President Bush to consider cutting his $40 million dollar inauguration gala in half -- and donating the remaining $20 million to the living victims of the tsunami.

When he calls, here's my suggestions for his cut-back gala:

-Invite half the people on the original list. Ask them to lay their egos aside for a moment and politely tell them that the expense of transporting and feeding them caviar is going toward providing gasoline and food to about a million people whose stomachs are turning inside out from hunger.

-Ask everyone to "dress down". A casual event will be much more comfortable for everyone and the money spent on those expensive gowns and tuxes can be donated to cover the backs of people who are naked and wet.

-Don't have a sit down meal, have classy appetizers only. No one in Washington is starving and appetizers are interesting nowadays anyway. Send the money they'd spend on their five course meal to people who are begging for rice and water.

-Make the event alcohol-free -- except perhaps for the champaign toast. Everyone in Washington needs to be as clear-headed as possible going into 2005 anyhow.

-Ask the entertainment to donate their talents for the evening. It's a big gig anyhow and will look great on their resume, they don't need to be paid. Ask them to make their performance and "in-kind" donation to the victims. They'll get great publicity out of it.

If this sounds simplistic and impossible, it is only because we -- all of us, not just Washington -- are so used to living beyond our means and not living by solid, quieter principles that it seems so.

Remember Mother Teresa who cancelled the dinner to be held in her honor when she won the Nobel Peace Prize? She wanted the money that would have been spent to feed the wealthy to go feed the mouths of those she dedicated her life to.

Bush would set an example to the world by simply and elegantly accepting his role as President of the greatest nation on earth while showing that as Americans, occassionally we can put our priorities in the right place.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Bush for President!

Why Bush should be Iraq's President.

• The United States is already on Bush autopilot; his agenda is safe in the hands of Dick Cheney, who wrote a lot of the playbook anyway.

• Karl Rove is getting bored and needs a real challenge, and Iraqi campaigning makes the rhetorical phrase "political bloodletting" real.

• Bush could wear his "mission accomplished" flight suit all the time.
• Iraq is running out of its own politicians.

• Short campaigns mean less time to be caught in tongue-twisting contradictions.

• Bush can institute his Social Security reforms without carping from elderly voters' lobby or economists — Iraqis may not live long enough anyway.

• It guarantees that the U.S. gets exactly the kind of leadership it wants in Baghdad.

• As a Texan, he'll fit right into a country that has more guns than cars.

• Iraq has a crying need for someone who knows the "awl bidness."

• The climate is more like Texas' than D.C.'s.

• Many Iraqi people also speak English with an accent.

• Unmarried daughters have to live at home and stay out of trouble.

• Thanks to Saddam Hussein's precedent, no problem defying international treaties.

• He could find himself signing a death warrant for Hussein, the guy who "tried to kill my dad."

• No alcohol — no temptation to fall off the wagon.

• No term limits.

• Iraqis love faith-based initiatives.
Thanks to the LAtimes

Saturday, January 01, 2005

The 25 Dumbest Quotes of 2004

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Thanks to Daniel Kurtzman
25. "This is the best election night in history." -Democratic National Committee Chairman Terry McAuliffe, Nov. 2, 2004, just before 8 p.m. EST

24. "This race is hotter than a Times Square Rolex." -CBS Anchor Dan Rather, on election night

23. "As you know, you go to war with the army you have, not the army you might want or wish to have at a later time." -Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, responding to a U.S. soldier serving in Iraq who asked him why troops had to dig through scrap metal to armor vehicles

22. "I heard there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." -President George W. Bush, during the second presidential debate

21. "You've done a nice job decorating the White House." -Pop star Jessica Simpson, upon being introduced to Interior Secretary Gale Norton while touring the White House

20. "Go fuck yourself." -Vice President Dick Cheney to Sen. Patrick Leahy, during an angry exchange on the Senate floor about profiteering by Halliburton

19. "I even accept for the sake of argument that sexual orgies eliminate social tensions and ought to be encouraged." -Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, speaking at Harvard

18. "You forgot Poland." -President Bush to Sen. John Kerry during the first presidential debate, after Kerry failed to mention Poland's contributions to the Iraq war coalition

17. "I wish we lived in the day where you could challenge a person to a duel." -Sen. Zell Miller to Chris Matthews, during a heated interview on "Hardball"

16. "We are in a three-way split decision for third place." -Sen. Joe Lieberman, on his fifth place finish in the New Hampshire primary

15. "If I could only go through the ducts and leap out onstage in a cape – that's my dream." -Ralph Nader, on the presidential debates

14. "You bet we might have." -Sen. Kerry, asked if he would have gone to war against Saddam Hussein if he refused to disarm

13. "Gammie, we love you dearly, but you're just not very hip. She thinks 'Sex and the City' is something married people do, but never talk about." -Jenna Bush, speaking at the Republican convention

12. "All of a sudden, we see riots, we see protests, we see people clashing. The next thing we know, there is injured or there is dead people. We don't want to get to that extent." -California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, on the dangers posed by gay marriage

11. "I couldn't get a job with CIA today. I am not qualified." -CIA Director Porter Goss, in a March 3, 2004 interview that was conducted while he was still in Congress and which was cut from "Fahrenheit 9/11"

10. "I wish you'd have given me this written question ahead of time so I could plan for it...I'm sure something will pop into my head here in the midst of this press conference, with all the pressure of trying to come up with answer, but it hadn't yet...I don't want to sound like I have made no mistakes. I'm confident I have. I just haven't – you just put me under the spot here, and maybe I'm not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one." -President Bush, after being asked in a news conference to name the biggest mistake he had made

9. "Those weapons of mass destruction have got to be somewhere!" -President Bush, joking about his administration's failure to find WMDs in Iraq as he narrated a comic slideshow during the Radio & TV Correspondents' Association dinner

8. "So anyway I'd be rubbing your big boobs and getting your nipples really hard, kinda' kissing your neck from behind...and then I would take the other hand with the falafel thing and I'd just put it on your p – -y but you'd have to do it really light, just kind of a tease business..." ˜-Fox News Channel's Bill O'Reilly, as quoted in a sexual harassment suit filed against him by a Fox News producer

7. "Wolf, be excited. This is Joementum here in New Hampshire." -Sen. Joe Lieberman to Wolf Blitzer, on his momentum leading up to the New Hampshire Primary

6. "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." -President Bush

5. "I actually did vote for the $87 billion, before I voted against it." -Sen. Kerry, on voting against a military funding bill for U.S. troops in Iraq

4. "Go, balloons. Go, balloons. Go, balloons ... What's happening balloons? There's not enough coming down. All balloons! Why the hell is nothing falling? What the fuck are you guys doing up there?" -Democratic Convention producer Don Mischer, overheard on CNN having an apoplectic seizure when the balloons failed to drop from the ceiling of the Fleet Center in Boston

3. "As I was telling my husb-" -National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice, overheard making a slip of the tongue at a Washington dinner party. Rice, who is unmarried, stopping herself abruptly, before saying, "As I was telling President Bush."

2. "Not only are we going to New Hampshire ... we're going to South Carolina and Oklahoma and Arizona and North Dakota and New Mexico, and we're going to California and Texas and New York! And we're going to South Dakota and Oregon and Washington and Michigan. And then we're going to Washington, D.C. to take back the White House, Yeeeeeaaaaaargh!" -Presidential candidate Howard Dean's Iowa concession speech

1. "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." -President Bush

How Fox News would have liked to have covered the tsunami

The rest of the story is here.