Ask Dr. Frist

Dear Dr. Frist,
Recently I developed a shooting pain in my left leg that feels like an elephant is massaging my upper thigh with his trunk. What should I do? Here is a picture of my leg.

Will Graham

Dear Will,
I spent several minutes looking at your picture. It is clear to me that an elephant is not actually massaging your leg. I would suggest Tylenol. If the pain continues to return, amputation is always an option.

Yours,
Senator Doctor William Frist


Dear Dr. Frist,
I have chronic recurring dizziness and I often lose my sense of balance. Enclosed please find a picture of me during a recent trip to DisneyWorld with my family.

Sally Yost

Dear Ms. Yost,
That's a mighty big mouse! Just kidding. I spent some time with your photograph last night and it is fortunate that you sent me a profile shot, since I can now say from my examination it that you have an inner ear infection. Take a ten-day course of Amoxycillin and you will be right as rain.

Senator Doctor William Frist
P.S. That will be $300.

Dear Dr. Frist,
In the past few months, my girlfriend Sally has become increasingly distant and cold. What is happening? I enclose a video of Sally and me fishing for tuna off the Emerald Coast of Florida last year.

Sam Acklington

Dear Sam,
I regret to tell you that, from my examination of your video, not only is Sally sleeping with other men -- among them the fishing boat captain appearing in the opening frames of your video -- but you have a degenerative neurological disorder and will soon be unable to say "this," and," or "but." There is no cure but, after Sally moves out, you will be able to keep the food processor.

Best,
Sen. Dr. William Frist

Dear Dr. Frist,
We are a group of astronomers at Princeton University. We are stymied by these shots of Epsilon Gemadrae, in the Phoenix Quadrant of Omega Tau, near the Quelm cluster. Can you help?

Professor Jean Karactacus and colleagues

Dear Professor Karactacus,
As much as I would like to help, this is really outside my field of expertise. I have thus taken the liberty of forwarding your request to Senator Rick Santorum.

The Honorable Senator Dr. Frist

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