Image Hosted by

Image Hosted by

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Bush-Era Changes to Newly-Released "Bambi" DVD

  • Bambi’s Mom shoots first.
  • Flower the Skunk replaced with clearly heterosexual boar Steve-O.
  • Rampant nudity covered with black bars.
  • Man’s ominous entrance into forest redrawn with animals happily welcoming humans and their enchanting notion of “zoning permits.”
  • Thumper’s line “the water is stiff” removed from all prints.
  • Supposedly over-idyllic view of nature balanced out with flesh-eating trees.
  • Friend Owl instructs young animals to enter into covenant marriages.
  • Horrific forest fire now referred to by animals as excellent example of “controlled burning.”
  • Film’s cyclical plot of rebirth replaced with woodland creatures learning evils of premarital sex.
  • Mrs. Opossum expresses her disapproval of Bambi being raised by single parent.
  • Bambi fights another buck for right to place Ten Commandments statue in clearing.
  • First act’s focus on innocence of youth interspersed with terror alerts.
  • Bambi’s girlfriend Faline given less French-sounding name “Helen.”
  • Bambi’s long-lost father returns after fighting for “liberty” in Iraq…and Iran…and Syria…and…
  • Bambi transforms from a “young prince of the forest” into a freshman Republican Senator from Kentucky.
  • When Spring arrives the young animals’ thoughts turn to church camp.
  • Bambi grows up and leaves forest when he realizes nature belongs to the loggers.

Thanks to Drink at Work


Post a Comment

<< Home