NastyBoy

Top ten reasons why the GOP wants Fred Thompson

2007-06-02T12:29:00.000-07:00

If you’re going to tell American voters tall tales, you need to nominate the tallest candidate.
GOP voters expect their politicians to tell them what they want to hear…and they insist that the nominee is able to execute that task well and with flair.
GOP voters are skittish about men like John McCain…they prefer that their presidential candidates either have no military experience or that they know how to fake it.
He has experience with partisan presidential politics…he starred in The Hunt For Red October…which should translate well into a red November.
Rudi Giuliani brought law and order to New York City…but Fred Thompson brought Law & Order to every American home.
He would do a much better job with natural disasters like Katrina…he learned the dangers of wind and water when filming Cape Fear.
Actors make the best GOP candidates…you give them a script, they memorize it, and they repeat it over and over again.
He won’t be afraid to continue the Bush administration’s torture policy…he’s already threatened to give Michael Moore electro-shock therapy in Cuba.
Mitt Romney may have Ronald Reagan’s hair…but Fred Thompson can be counted on to continue the Reagan tradition of having only one wife at a time.
Since the Clinton presidency, GOP voters want to be sure that their president prefers to smoke his cigars.

Courtesy of Thought Theater

Hasta la Vista, Baby!

2005-11-12T18:39:00.000-08:00

Did your mamma make you wear that shirt?

2005-09-18T08:00:00.000-07:00

...not far from the tree!

2005-09-18T07:43:00.000-07:00

John Ellis Bush, the youngest son of Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, was arrested early Friday and charged with public intoxication and resisting arrest, law enforcement officials in Texas said.

The 21-year-old nephew of President Bush was arrested by the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission at 2:30 a.m. Friday on a corner of Austin's Sixth Street bar district, said spokesman Roger Wade.

The nephew of President Bush was released on $2,500 bond for the resisting arrest charge, and on a personal recognizance bond for the public intoxication charge, officials said.

It's not the first time Florida's first family has experienced legal problems with one of their children.

Noelle Bush, the governor's daughter, was arrested in January 2002 and accused of trying to pass a fraudulent prescription at a pharmacy to obtain the anti-anxiety drug Xanax. She completed a drug rehabilitation program in August 2003 and a judge dismissed the drug charges against her.

Build me up, buttercup!

2005-09-18T07:32:00.000-07:00

Urgent message from John Cleese

2005-09-18T07:20:00.000-07:00

To the Citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a called "Come-Uppance Day."

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline")-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

9. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i. e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your
co-operation and have a great day.

15. Start pronouncing "Queen Camilla." She will be your next queen!

Did I make myself clear?

2005-09-15T15:39:00.000-07:00

David Letterman's Top Ten Questions For The Fema Director Application

2005-09-15T15:27:00.000-07:00

10. "Are you able to convey a false sense of security?"

9. "What percentage of your resume is fabricated?"

8. "In a crisis, which state or local officials would you blame?"

7. "What are your plans after you resign?"

6. "Do you mind if the last guy left the office smelling like Arabian horses?"

5. "Which is most serious: A disaster, a catastrophe, or a dis-astrophe?"

4. "Does Robert Blake dating again count as an emergency?"

3. "Can the president easily add '-ie' to your last name to form a nickname?"

2. "Can you screw up bad enough to take the heat off the president's mistakes?"

1. "Michael Brown...Idiot or moron?"

Bushie........you're doing a heck of a job!

2005-09-10T12:17:00.000-07:00

Approve of President?

Right-wing wackos 39%
No 59%
Mixed 1%
Unsure 1%

Country on Right Track?

Conservative kool-aid drinkers 32%
Wrong Track 65%
Not Sure 3%

Bush Issue Approval

Economy
Approve 41%
Disapprove 57%

Domestic
Sheep 38%
Disapprove 59%

Foreign Policy/War on Terror
Approve 43%
Disapprove 55%

Iraq
Chickenhawks 37%
Disapprove 62%

Social Security
Approve 35%
Disapprove 61%

Hurricane Katrina
Slow thinkers 46%
Disapprove 52%

Gas Prices
Conservative Elitists 27%
Disapprove 70%

Top 10 most egregious instances of looting.

2005-09-10T12:09:00.000-07:00

10. Gas stations charging four dollars a gallon in anticipation of higher oil prices.

9. Enron, Tyco, Worldcom, Adelphia, Arthur Andersen, Global Crossing, etc.

8. Pharmaceutical interests' authorship of the Medicare prescription drug "benefit."

7. The invasion of Iraq.

6. Taking 365 vacation days for every four years in office.

5. The energy bill.

4. No-bid, cost-plus contracts for Halliburton.

3. Record quarterly profits for the petroleum industry while we wage two wars.

2. The 2000 and 2004 elections.

1. Trickle-down effect: reallocating funds for New Orleans levee repair to pay for tax cuts for the wealthy.

The Blame Game

2005-09-10T10:14:00.000-07:00

Say Cheese

2005-09-05T17:49:00.000-07:00

Troop Movement

2005-09-03T15:49:00.000-07:00

Proposed New Slogans for the Republican Party

2005-09-03T15:42:00.000-07:00

The Republican Party: We [Heart] Looters

The Republican Party: If We Could Do That Well With a Hurricane, Just Imagine How We'll Do With a Dirty Nuke!

The Republican Party: You Mean, This Isn't What Jesus Would Do?

The Republican Party: Representing the Richest 1% and the Dumbest 48%

The Republican Party: Pro-Life and Pro-Death

The Republican Party: September 11th. Recession. Iraq War. Favors for the Super Rich. Abu Ghraib. Record Oil and Gas Prices. New Orleans. But At Least No Blowjobs!

The Republican Party: Give Us Four More Years and We Promise Pestilence and Plague

The Republican Party: Blah Blah Blah Jesus Blah Blah Jesus Blah Blah Jesus Blah

The Republican Party: Election Fraud Works!

The Republican Party: Almost as Well Informed as Bloggers

The Republican Party: Leveling the Playing Field Between America and the Third World

The Republican Party: Code Orange

The Republican Party: Um...Jesus?

The Republican Party: Accountability is for losers

Thanks to Bruner Blog

Don't feed the birds

2005-09-01T17:37:00.000-07:00

I found out long ago......

2005-08-27T09:39:00.000-07:00

.....It's a long way down the Holiday Road.

How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?

2005-08-27T09:25:00.000-07:00

.
.
.
.
10

One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;
One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;
One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;
One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for eternal darkness;
One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;
One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner 'Bulb Accomplished';
One administration insider to resign and in detail reveal how Bush was literally 'in the dark' the whole time;
One to viciously smear No. 7;
One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;
And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

Warning! Warning!

2005-08-27T08:39:00.000-07:00

Dis-Honor

2005-08-27T08:34:00.000-07:00

You've been dog-tagged!

2005-08-27T08:24:00.000-07:00

Sticker Shock

2005-08-27T08:20:00.000-07:00

No Comparison

2005-08-27T08:06:00.000-07:00

Why you can't compare Iraq's "New Start" to ours.

America brought about change on its own. Iraq didn't.
America didn't have the British government breathing down their necks to draft our constitution.
America didn't have three tribes and an influx of terrorists to deal with due to an attack by the British.
If you really want to make comparisons, don't forget...
America had a bloody civil war. By all evidence, so will Iraq.
America, until 20th Century liberal lawmaking, turned a blind eye to slavery, lynching, and suppressing minorities' and women's rights.
America is still having a hard time abiding by the constitution we have.

Thanks to Hoffmania

Right-Wing Priorities

2005-08-21T18:15:00.000-07:00

Sheehan-Tested

2005-08-21T16:56:00.000-07:00

Another case of a Compassionate Conservative

2005-08-21T12:24:00.000-07:00

On the evening of August 10, Hannah Shaffer of Glen Mills, Pennsylvania, decided to go to the nearby Barnes & Noble outside of Wilmington. She wanted to see Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, who was promoting his book, “It Takes a Family.”

The event was billed as a “book signing and discussion,” Shaffer says.

But discussion was the last thing that the Senator’s people wanted.

“Do you want me to get rid of them?” said the compassionate conservative.

Unintelligent Design

2005-08-21T12:14:00.000-07:00

The Real Enemy?

2005-08-11T15:22:00.000-07:00

So, who does Bush & the Republicans consider to be the bigger enemy.

Is it this person?

"I don’t know where he is. Nor — you know, I just don’t spend that much time on him really, to be honest with you. I....I truly am not that concerned about him." - Bush

Or, is it this person?

"I think Mrs. Sheehan bears some responsibility for this [publicity] and also for the responsibility for the other American families who lost sons and daughters in Iraq who feel this kind of behavior borders on treasonous..." - Bill O'Reilly

More Limbaugh Lies

2005-08-11T15:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Rush Limbaugh, through his radio syndicator Premiere Radio Networks, sent out a press release titled “Limbaugh Leads the Race Against Liberal Talkers,” purportedly comparing his ratings to those of progressive talk stations.

The release lists ratings info for five cities — Austin, Baton Rouge, New Orleans, San Antonio, and Memphis — for Spring 2005 (March 31 to June 22).

In two of those cities, New Orleans and Baton Rouge, the stations that Rush claims he “defeated” didn’t switch to the progressive talk format until July 2005 — after the ratings period in question ended.

You can read more about the liar here.

Beat the devil around the stump

2005-08-11T14:47:00.000-07:00

All made up with no place to go

2005-08-04T19:50:00.000-07:00

Katherine Harris claims that newspapers distorted her makeup.

One Democratic commentator compared her to Cruella DeVille of the Disney movie "101 Dalmatians."

Comic Jay Leno said a cold snap made Florida so chilly Harris "put on a third layer of makeup."

Asked Tuesday to point to an altered photograph, Harris and her staff could not. I've provided one above that they can point to.

Or can they?

Flushed

2005-08-04T15:56:00.000-07:00

An art exhibit in the cafeteria of the California Department of Justice is causing quite a stir. Actually, one particular piece of art: It’s a depiction of a map of the United States draped in a flag and going down a toilet.

The artist, California lawyer Stephen Pearcy, is used to controversy over his expressions.

But this time, it’s hotter than ever, with the California Republican Party demanding the removal of the artwork, and rightwing bloggers calling Pearcy a traitor, and one blog soliciting ideas for his assassination.

Read the rest here.

Political Illusions

2005-08-02T16:56:00.000-07:00

Fire Who?

2005-07-24T08:57:00.000-07:00

Quote of the Day

2005-07-23T15:43:00.000-07:00

"But regardless of the source, the leak compromised the confidential identity of a longtime public servant, which was wrong, and unfair to her and those who worked with her. Whoever did it should come forward and not hide behind journalistic ethics for his or her self-protection." - Karen Hughes

We couldn't agree more, Karen. Have you, uh, told your boss this?

Reporting for duty, Sir!

2005-07-21T18:52:00.000-07:00

The Defense Department quietly asked Congress on Monday to raise the maximum age for military recruits to 42 for all branches of the service.

Top Ten Things Likely to be Heard Spewing Forth From A Republican's Mouth Today

2005-07-19T16:10:00.000-07:00

It's not really illegal.
Rove didn't do it ON PURPOSE.
Valerie DESERVED IT ANYWAY.
It's really Hadley's fault, he prepared Rove's illegal statement. We should promote him again.
If it was illegal, it was really a partisan law designed to encumber the president and we should retroactively revoke it.
Anyone who would believe that the President's Press Secretary would break the law by revealing top secret information in order to punish a political enemy must be some kind of communist conspiracy nut.
It depends on what you mean by "told".
Hey, look over there (run the other way).
Rove is a career public servant, patriot and a national hero. It's embarassing for the democrats to be attacking such a loyal and dependable public servant for the obvious and purely political reason that they lost the last election fair and square.
Yeah, but at least he didn't get caught having sex in the white house, like that loser Bill Clinton.

Changing the Rules

2005-07-19T15:50:00.000-07:00

How Time Magazine should look

2005-07-19T15:18:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Mike Tidmus

.....and nothing but the truth!

2005-07-18T20:23:00.000-07:00

Dancing for Rove

2005-07-17T12:56:00.000-07:00

On today's episode of Meet the Press, Time Magazine reporter Matt Cooper preceeded to tell host Tim Russert that Karl Rove INDEED was the one who told him that Valerie Plame was a CIA operative.

During the next segment, RNC Chairman Ken Mehlman, of course, said the opposite and replied, "I love me some Rove! I'm his bitch", or some such thing. You can read part of the transcript and watch a clip of the show here, to find out how much of a weasel Mehlman really is.

Losing Streak

2005-07-12T16:07:00.000-07:00

President Bush kept a personal streak alive this past week as he failed to attend a meeting of the NAACP for the 5th straight year.

I think Bush had no problem deciding if he should go or not. It's not exactly his "base."

2005-07-08T16:34:00.000-07:00

On Thursday's show, Rush Limbaugh preceded to tell his fine (did I say 'fine?') listeners that because only about 37 people died in the London bombings, the terrorists didn't accomplish what they set out to do. In his own words : "They missed the boat!"

Would you like to ask the parents, wifes, husbands and children, of the people who died, if the terrorists missed the boat or not? You're trying to tell us that because "only" about 37 people died, it's no big deal?

You insensitive moron!

You ever take it off any sweet jumps?

2005-07-06T17:35:00.000-07:00

Apparently not!

President George W Bush, out for a spin on a bicycle at the Group of Eight summit venue on Wednesday, collided with a policeman and had to be treated for scratches on his hands, a spokesman said.

Deal-A-Meal

2005-07-06T17:00:00.000-07:00

Would anyone like to guess what the above is?

Why yes, it's a lunch tray that Halliburton delivered to the troops in Iraq.

What? There's no food on it, you say?

Of course not. That's because Halliburton over-charged for meals that were not even delivered, which amounted to $186 million.

Pretty cool, huh?

Hollywood Elite

2005-07-06T16:50:00.000-07:00

With the Republicans crying & moaning about the liberal Hollywood elite, who does Bush choose to help him to advise the eventual nominee in the anticipated Senate confirmation fight to replace Justice Sandra Day O'Connor on the U.S. Supreme Court?

An actor!

One of those Hollywood elitist, I'm sure!

We don't need no stinkin' rights!

2005-07-05T19:32:00.000-07:00

Liberals Everywhere!

2005-07-05T18:49:00.000-07:00

George McClure, a former stand-up comic who now works as general manager of a Denver marketing firm, recently wrote a humorous column for the Denver post that I just have to share. Here is an excerpt.

The mainstream media in this country are dominated by liberals.

I was informed of this fact by Rush Limbaugh. And Thomas Sowell. And Ann Coulter. And Rich Lowry. And Bill O'Reilly. And William Safire. And Robert Novak. And William F. Buckley, Jr. And George Will.

And John Gibson. And Michelle Malkin. And David Brooks. And Tony Snow. And Tony Blankely. And Fred Barnes. And Britt Hume. And Larry Kudlow. And Sean Hannity. And David Horowitz. And William Kristol. And Hugh Hewitt.

And Oliver North. And Joe Scarborough. And Pat Buchanan. And John McLaughlin. And Cal Thomas. And Joe Klein. And James Kilpatrick. And Tucker Carlson. And Deroy Murdock. And Michael Savage. And Charles Krauthammer. And Stephen Moore. And Alan Keyes.

And Gary Bauer. And Mort Kondracke. And Andrew Sullivan. And Nicholas von Hoffman. And Neil Cavuto. And Matt Drudge. And Mike Rosen. And Dave Kopel. And John Caldara.

You can read the rest here.

Scrumpdeli-icious

2005-07-04T12:45:00.000-07:00

We can only hope!

2005-07-04T10:56:00.000-07:00

With Karl Rove being named as the possible source of the Plame leak, we can only hope that the outcome will result in the following!

'toon

2005-07-02T13:37:00.000-07:00

Consistency

2005-06-29T16:55:00.000-07:00

George W. Bush in 1999 talking about the Kosovo War:

Bush, 4/99 - "Victory means exit strategy, and it's important for the president to explain to us what the exit strategy is."

Bush, 6/99 - "I think it's also important for the president to lay out a timetable as to how long they will be involved and when they will be withdrawn."

George Bush last night talking about the Iraq war:

6/28/05 - "Some contend that we should set a deadline for withdrawing U.S. forces. Let me explain why that would be a serious mistake."

Ask Dr. Frist

2005-06-25T14:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Dr. Frist,
Recently I developed a shooting pain in my left leg that feels like an elephant is massaging my upper thigh with his trunk. What should I do? Here is a picture of my leg.

Will Graham

Dear Will,
I spent several minutes looking at your picture. It is clear to me that an elephant is not actually massaging your leg. I would suggest Tylenol. If the pain continues to return, amputation is always an option.

Yours,
Senator Doctor William Frist

Dear Dr. Frist,
I have chronic recurring dizziness and I often lose my sense of balance. Enclosed please find a picture of me during a recent trip to DisneyWorld with my family.

Sally Yost

Dear Ms. Yost,
That's a mighty big mouse! Just kidding. I spent some time with your photograph last night and it is fortunate that you sent me a profile shot, since I can now say from my examination it that you have an inner ear infection. Take a ten-day course of Amoxycillin and you will be right as rain.

Senator Doctor William Frist
P.S. That will be $300.

Dear Dr. Frist,
In the past few months, my girlfriend Sally has become increasingly distant and cold. What is happening? I enclose a video of Sally and me fishing for tuna off the Emerald Coast of Florida last year.

Sam Acklington

Dear Sam,
I regret to tell you that, from my examination of your video, not only is Sally sleeping with other men -- among them the fishing boat captain appearing in the opening frames of your video -- but you have a degenerative neurological disorder and will soon be unable to say "this," and," or "but." There is no cure but, after Sally moves out, you will be able to keep the food processor.

Best,
Sen. Dr. William Frist

Dear Dr. Frist,
We are a group of astronomers at Princeton University. We are stymied by these shots of Epsilon Gemadrae, in the Phoenix Quadrant of Omega Tau, near the Quelm cluster. Can you help?

Professor Jean Karactacus and colleagues

Dear Professor Karactacus,
As much as I would like to help, this is really outside my field of expertise. I have thus taken the liberty of forwarding your request to Senator Rick Santorum.

The Honorable Senator Dr. Frist

Thanks to Opinions you should have

Telling it like it is

2005-06-25T14:44:00.000-07:00

John Stewart's Bitch

2005-06-25T14:26:00.000-07:00

"The Situation" with host Tucker Carlson dipped to its lowest ratings point on Wednesday night, averaging 148,000 viewers, and scratching in the 25-54 demo with 39,000.

Way to hit those demographics, Tuck!

Torched!

2005-06-25T14:21:00.000-07:00

What Plane?

2005-05-14T07:24:00.000-07:00

It was a serious enough scare to prompt the evacuation of the rest of the White House, but apparently not serious enough to notify the president.

President Bush and first lady Laura Bush were not relocated — or even informed — when many others in the White House were evacuated Wednesday because of an approaching wayward airplane, his spokesman has disclosed.

The Blame Game

2005-05-07T08:04:00.000-07:00

It appears that I'm on a religious theme today. What the hell?

Rev. Pat Robertson wrote a letter in response to one issued by Sen. Frank Lautenberg earlier this week about condemning comments Robertson made on ABC Sunday, in which he indicated terrorists were a far smaller threat than American judges.

Here is that letter. You might want to pay close attention to the words that I underlined. CUCKOO!

Thou shalt not be a Democrat

2005-05-07T06:36:00.000-07:00

The minister of a Haywood County, North Carolina Baptist church is telling members of his congregation that if they're Democrats, they either need to find another place of worship or support President Bush.

Already, the Reverend Chan Chandler has ex-communicated nine members of East Waynesville Baptist Church. Another 40 members have left in protest. During last Sunday's sermon, he acknowledged that church members were upset because he named people, and he says he'll do it again because he has to according to the word of God.

Jesus H Christ! How tolerant of him.

Two People Who Are Kidding Themselves:

2005-04-28T08:17:00.000-07:00

Anti-Gay Program V1.5.15

2005-04-24T06:30:00.000-07:00

Microsoft's public-relations troubles intensified yesterday as news spread that the company had withdrawn support for state legislation banning discrimination against gays and lesbians.

The legislation, House Bill 1515, was voted down Thursday by a single vote in the state Senate, prompting frustration and anger that continued to build yesterday among some gay-rights activists.

Hung like a chad

2005-04-24T06:20:00.000-07:00

"I'm with the Bush-Cheney team, and I'm here to stop the count."

Those were the words John Bolton yelled as he burst into a Tallahassee library on Saturday, Dec. 9, 2000, where local election workers were recounting ballots cast in Florida's disputed presidential race between George W. Bush and Al Gore.

Bolton was one of the pack of lawyers for the Republican presidential ticket who repeatedly sought to shut down recounts of the ballots from Florida counties before those counts revealed that Gore had actually won the state's electoral votes and the presidency.

Heathens!

2005-04-24T06:08:00.000-07:00

Thanks to David Craig Simpson

Karl Rove’s 12 rules to gain Power

2005-04-19T18:22:00.000-07:00

1. Use surrogates to attack your opponent. Never let your guy (or yourself, if you happen to be running) rip into the other guy. Find some lackey who’s more than willing to get vicious ugly for you. Your guy will look like a disinterested prince.

2. Leak harmful information. This is pretty much your basic opposition-research stuff. But leak it; don’t announce it. And certainly it helps to develop friendly relations with journalists of a whorish bent. Devastating information on your opponent isn’t worth much if you can’t get the word out.

3. Turn rumor into fact. Better yet, start a rumor about your opponent and use the media whores with whom you’ve developed a good relationship to hammer away at whatever you’ve invented. Before long everyone will at least assume that where there’s smoke there’s fire.

4. Use well-organized 3rd-party groups to make allegations. This is closely related to #3. In short, if you can find a Swift-Boat kind of outfit to go libelous on your behalf, do it. Also see #1 – surrogates and the disinterested prince.

5. Funnel money to a 3rd-party candidate similar in ideology to your opponent’s to dilute your opponent’s vote. Self-explanatory.

6. Use ties to law enforcement to launch bogus investigations against your opponent. You’ll need to be comfortably in bed with a high-powered D.A., though, so this tactic isn’t for the chronically un-empowered. You also can’t harbor any compunctions about bankrupting an innocent person through legal expenses or even sending him to jail and destroying his family. This is rather big-league stuff, and not for the squeamish.

7. Associate your guy’s political positions with God and flag. Be creative. If needed, rewatch Animal House for inspiration, the part in which Otter defends his incredibly guilty pals before a college court in a rip-roaring burst of offended patriotism. It can be done.

8. Always position your opponent as an agent of the status quo, your guy as the candidate for change. Self-explanatory.

9. Build your messages on what the public already believes in. Closely related to #7. Don’t ever try to introduce the electorate to something unfamiliar or convince it of something new. Another angle is to play on preexisting prejudices. If the public hates freckled people, your guy hates freckled people. Always has.

10. “Explaining is losing.” This is the only direct quote I’ve lifted from the book, because it is key, absolutely critical. If your guy has to explain anything – his policies, his past, anything – then your guy is playing a losing game. Voters in general don’t want to be burdened with policy details and candidates certainly don’t want to get mired in personal explanations. Just forget explaining anything -- anything at all -- and move on. It’ll work. You’ll be amazed.

11. Use push polling. Again, this is high-powered stuff for the monied pros. Don’t call registered voters and ask if they like so-and-so’s position on something. Call and ask if they like the satanic plan your Illuminati opponent wants to shove through Congress should he get there with all his corrupt campaign cash. You get the poll results you want, and better yet, you leave the right impression of your opponent in the minds of the questioned.

12. Pick off special-interest support for your opponent. In other words, be a hypocritical flip-flopper like all get out (and don’t bother explaining it). Bush’s decision before the 2004 campaign on erecting steel tariffs is an excellent example.

Thanks to P.M. Carpenter

The Bill Frist Commandments

2005-04-19T18:03:00.000-07:00

Thanks to uggabugga

"Open" Meeting

2005-04-02T08:32:00.000-08:00

Thanks to YubaNet.com

Strange Bedfellows

2005-04-02T07:35:00.000-08:00

Let's see who agrees with whom on social issues. This should be real interesting!

Abortion Rights
Liberals - Favors
Osama bin Laden - Opposes
NeoConservative - Opposes

Prayer in School
Liberals - Opposes
Osama bin Laden - Favors
NeoConservative - Favors

Separation of Church & State
Liberals - Favors
Osama bin Laden - Opposes
NeoConservative - Opposes

Censorship
Liberals - Opposes
Osama bin Laden - Favors
NeoConservative - Favors

Interpretation of Religious Scripture
Liberals - Not Literal
Osama bin Laden - Literal
NeoConservative - Literal

Women's Rights
Liberals - Favors
Osama bin Laden - Opposes
NeoConservative - Opposes

Death with Dignity
Liberals - Favors
Osama bin Laden - Opposes
NeoConservative - Opposes

Theory of Evolution
Liberals - Accepts
Osama bin Laden - Rejects
Rejects

United Nations
Liberals - Supports
Osama bin Laden - Opposes
NeoConservative - Opposes

Gay Rights
Liberals - Favors
Osama bin Laden - Opposes
NeoConservative - Opposes

Contraceptives
Liberals - Favors
Osama bin Laden - Opposes
NeoConservative - Opposes

Sex Education
Liberals - Favors
Osama bin Laden - Opposes
NeoConservative - Opposes

Severe Penalties for Drug Use
Liberals - Opposes
Osama bin Laden - Favors
NeoConservative - Favors

Corporal Punishment
Liberals - Opposes
Osama bin Laden - Favors
NeoConservative - Favors

Thinks There is Only One TRUE God
Liberals - No
Osama bin Laden - Yes
NeoConservative - Yes

Dissent = Disloyalty
Liberals - Disagrees
Osama bin Laden - Agrees
NeoConservative - Agrees

Thanks to Thought Crimes

Those evil evil nurses.

2005-04-02T07:16:00.000-08:00

Nurse interviews were part of Hannity's repetoire this week while trying to discredit Michael Schiavo and the assessment that Terri was PVS. The nurses claimed that Terri was responsive; not PVS and Michael was harsh and uncaring. One nurse claimed that she found an empty insulin vile in the room but was dismissed after reporting it and Michael Schiavo asked "Is that B..... dead yet?"

According to Florida records only one of these nurses is licensed by the State of Florida, Carla Sauer-Iyer. Two other guest nurses, Heidi Law and Trudy Capone, are not licensed as an RN or CNA in Florida.

Check for yourself Here.

The Belgian Waffle

2005-04-02T06:59:00.000-08:00

Belgian trainers helping police to understand body language have caused a row by likening George Bush's facial expressions to a chimpanzee's.

Interior Minister Patrick Dewael said he was unaware of the pictures when he signed a letter promoting the training package for police dealing with unruly soccer fans, and said the idea was "of bad taste", Het Laatste Nieuws daily reported.

The training presentation pictured the U.S. president's face in various expressions beside photographs of a chimpanzee, the paper showed on its front page, in what was meant to be a humorous introduction to the subject of reading expressions.

Dewael's office was not immediately available for comment.

Jeb Blinked...

2005-03-29T07:14:00.000-08:00

The Miami Herald printed a stunning account of a near showdown between state and local police at Schiavo's hospice. Jeb had engineered an operation to snatch Terry and reinsert her feeding tube, but when the local police signalled their intent to follow their court orders and disallow such an action, Jeb backed down.

Gimme an F, Gimme a U....

2005-03-20T10:13:00.000-08:00

Steroids, Schiavo, and now Cheerleading. Rupublicans really have their priorities straight. About as straight as one of my curly pubes!

The Friday night lights in Texas could soon be without bumpin' and grindin' cheerleaders. Legislation filed by Rep. Al Edwards would put an end to "sexually suggestive" performances at athletic events and other extracurricular competitions.

"It's just too sexually oriented, you know, the way they're shaking their behinds and going on, breaking it down," said Edwards, a 26-year veteran of the Texas House. "And then we say to them, 'don't get involved in sex unless it's marriage or love, it's dangerous out there' and yet the teachers and directors are helping them go through those kind of gyrations."

Thanks skin2skin

Bush-Era Changes to Newly-Released "Bambi" DVD

2005-03-10T14:02:00.000-08:00

Bambi’s Mom shoots first.
Flower the Skunk replaced with clearly heterosexual boar Steve-O.
Rampant nudity covered with black bars.
Man’s ominous entrance into forest redrawn with animals happily welcoming humans and their enchanting notion of “zoning permits.”
Thumper’s line “the water is stiff” removed from all prints.
Supposedly over-idyllic view of nature balanced out with flesh-eating trees.
Friend Owl instructs young animals to enter into covenant marriages.
Horrific forest fire now referred to by animals as excellent example of “controlled burning.”
Film’s cyclical plot of rebirth replaced with woodland creatures learning evils of premarital sex.
Mrs. Opossum expresses her disapproval of Bambi being raised by single parent.
Bambi fights another buck for right to place Ten Commandments statue in clearing.
First act’s focus on innocence of youth interspersed with terror alerts.
Bambi’s girlfriend Faline given less French-sounding name “Helen.”
Bambi’s long-lost father returns after fighting for “liberty” in Iraq…and Iran…and Syria…and…
Bambi transforms from a “young prince of the forest” into a freshman Republican Senator from Kentucky.
When Spring arrives the young animals’ thoughts turn to church camp.
Bambi grows up and leaves forest when he realizes nature belongs to the loggers.

Thanks to Drink at Work

Gonzales' Veils

2005-03-02T07:28:00.000-08:00

Our new Attorney General, fresh from his successful bids to sanction torture by proxy gave a speech last week that should have sent chills down the collective spine of America, but of course, no such thing happened, and the speech barely got reported. In his remarks to the Hoover Institution, he had the gall to read a transcript of a phone call made from the World Trade Center by a man who knew he was doomed. The crass exploitation of the WTC attacks remains the calling card of this administration.

Their second favourite tack is playing dumb. When you read something like the memo that Gonzales circulated to the Justice Department upon his assumption of its command, there is certainly a strong indication of a lack of mental prowess by a guy who writes something like, "My style of management is basically one of listening."

But to be lulled by Gonzales' lazy writing, the frequently tortured syntax of our Commander in Chief, or the absolutely unshakable posture of naivety of our new Secretary of State is a costly error. These facades set up the understimations which they so ruthlessly exploit. For instance, take Gonzales' thesis about obscenity from later on in his Hoover speech, "obscene materials are not protected by the First Amendment". The opacity of the statement is Kerry-esque. It says just enough to indicate a strong position without actually saying anything at all.

Legal precedent would indicate Gonzales is in the wrong, but what on earth does he mean by "obscene"? What are his criterion? What specific protection would such material not enjoy? And of course, that maddening obtuseness sets up a broad framework for Gonzales to exploit when he sees his openings, and like Salome, he'll shed his veils towards another brutal sally against civil liberties in American life.

Is that dildo loaded?

2005-03-01T16:59:00.000-08:00

Alabama had outlawed the sale of what some call "marital aids." The U.S. Supreme Court last week declined to review the 11th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals ruling in Williams v. Alabama that upholds the 1998 ban.

Sell "any device designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs" and risk a $10,000 fine and a year in jail. A Southern jail.

Lockdown

2005-03-01T16:44:00.000-08:00

Worst actor of the Year

2005-02-26T20:07:00.000-08:00

Beating such established Hollywood hunks as Colin Farrell and Vin Diesel, US President George W Bush has won the Golden Raspberry Award for worst actor of the year for his appearance in Michael Moore's documentary Fahrenheit 9/11.

Den of thieves gets one deeper

2005-02-24T07:35:00.000-08:00

Guess who's been appointed to the Department of Homeland Security's "Data Privacy and Integrity Advisory Committee"? None other that Mr. D. Reed Freeman. Not ringing any bells? He's a former executive from Claria, better known as Gator. You probably recognize Gator as one of the more persistent adware/spyware items that you have to clean off of your computer. You might also recall that Claria was sued by The New York Times, Washington Post, Dow Jones, and other media outlets pertaining to Gator popup ads appearing on their web sites. The case was quietly settled out of court.
What will they do for an encore? Oh wait, I know. Muscle through the Social Security "privatization" plan (or whatever they're calling it this week) and put Ken Lay in charge of our investments!

Call on me

2005-02-21T08:20:00.000-08:00

Courtesy of Ucomics.com

Bald fetish?

2005-02-19T09:33:00.000-08:00

"That's my own WMD!"

Rigorous Intuition has noticed a weird trend that Bush has taken. It's pretty disturbing actually. You can view more of this fetishistic behavior here.

Classless Action

2005-02-19T05:50:00.000-08:00

It's open season on the average person. Let's be careful out there.

"The House of Representatives joined the Senate in sending a clear message to the nation: the rights of large corporations that take advantage of seniors, low-wage workers and local communities are more important than the rights of average American citizens," said Helen Gonzales of USAction, a liberal, pro-consumer activist group.

Trannies in DC

2005-02-17T12:16:00.000-08:00

Chalk up another bizarre transideological initiative to Bush II. The President who threatened last week to use his first veto on a decrease in spending is today making another policy shift for his party with the class action reform. As opposed to enforcing state's rights and reducing federal intervention, the bill throws class action suits into the federal courts.

I guess the next thing we can look for is a universal health care plan from the guy.

Become a Republican

2005-02-11T18:10:00.000-08:00

Thanks to The Frown

A funny flash cartoon that tells you everything you need to know to become a Republican.

Some Dicks are bigger than others

2005-02-11T06:49:00.000-08:00

Richard Clarke has always been a self-serving narcissist, but the declassification of his blockbuster memo to Bush only proves the point. The January 2001 memo is cited as Cassandrian in its emphases on "al Qida" as a significant threat.

What is left to smolder, however, is the entire point of the memo, which are Clarke's final recommendations for the "Principals" to discuss. He lists four, with the first being "Threat Magnitude":

"Do the Principals agree that the al Qida network poses a first order threat to US interests in a number or regions [sic], or is this analysis a "chicken little" over reaching and can we proceed without major new initiatives and by handling this issue in a more routine manner?"

One never assists one's point by comparing it to Chicken Little, but one can certainly rake in lots of dough by publishing a tell-all that doesn't quite tell all.

BUSH PROMISES TO BRING TROOPS HOME THROUGH IRAN

2005-02-10T06:24:00.000-08:00

Most Direct Route, President Says

Under pressure to detail an exit strategy for Iraq, President George W. Bush said at a White House briefing today that he would not designate an exact timetable for a withdrawal of U.S. troops but added, "The fastest way to bring the troops home would be through Iran."

After reporters audibly gasped, the president explained that bringing the troops home through Iran would be "the most direct route" and produced driving directions from Mapquest to back up his claim.

The Notorious B.U.S.H.

2005-02-08T07:03:00.000-08:00

President Bush wasted no time in dispatching his newly designated gangbuster, wife Laura, to the mean streets of Philadelphia. That city, like other big cities, continues to be plagued by gang killings. Laura's mission, as Bush made it clear in his State of the Union speech, is to help halt that violence.

Greenless Acres

2005-02-05T06:10:00.000-08:00

What would Bush like to do to our farmers, you ask?

_Propose slicing farmers' federal payments and other agriculture supports by $587 million in 2006 and $5.7 billion over the next decade. Payments to producers would drop by 5 percent, and the current $360,000 annual ceiling on those payments would be cut to $250,000.

Deep-Throated

2005-02-05T06:02:00.000-08:00

The author of the 1993 biography of Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein, “Deep Truth,” today named George H.W. Bush the new chief suspect as famed Watergate source Deep Throat.

Special Delivery

2005-02-05T05:40:00.000-08:00

Pataki Concedes That Aide Paid by Republicans Delivered Meals to His Home.

After maintaining for days that the duties of a personal assistant whom the state's Republican Party hired for Libby Pataki were political and not personal, aides to Gov. George E. Pataki said on Thursday that the assistant had "on occasion" picked up meals for the family.

The assistant, Michelle R. Stubbs, who is paid $50,000 a year by the party to help Mrs. Pataki, had in the past picked up prepared meals at the governor's mansion in Albany and driven them 100 miles south to the Pataki family's home in Garrison, said Kevin Quinn, a spokesman for Mr. Pataki.

Iraqi election update

2005-01-31T17:31:00.000-08:00

Allawi may have gone just a little bit overboard:

"Not only are we going to Fallujah, we're going to Abu Ghraib and Sadr City and Mosul and Basrah, and we're going to Kirkuk and Najaf and Tikrit and we're going to Baghdad to take back the Presidential Palace, Yeeeeeaaaaaarrggh!"

Not again!

2005-01-29T16:14:00.000-08:00

You might be a Bush supporter if…

2005-01-29T15:58:00.000-08:00

1. …you think Spongebob Squarepants is a homosexual, but Condoleeza Rice isn’t.

2. …you think “the hood” is what you wear to a Klan rally.

3. …you think “Yale” is what you do to Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s name during a NASCAR race.

4. …you believe RU486 is a science fiction movie.

5. …you turn on the radio whenever someone says you need to “rush.”

6. …you think “hip hop” is what you do to avoid the homeless person hanging out in front of your building.

7. …you believe that a cut in your family’s income makes it harder for you to pay your bills, but a cut in the federal government’s income makes it easier to pay its bills.

8. …you think “fatwah” is the obese Chinese guy who runs the restaurant around the corner from your house.

9. …you think Muhammad Ali must be a member of Al Qaeda.

10. …you think Jewish holocaust survivors voted for Pat Buchanan.

11. …you think Arnold Schwarzenegger is a gentleman, and Bill Clinton is a pervert.

12. …you boycott Heinz Ketchup because you think the former wife of the Heinz heir somehow controls the company instead of its board of directors and stockholders.

13. …you get incredibly offended when someone says something nice about your lesbian daughter.

14. …you think Nicolette Sheridan is a slut, but Anne Coulter is a lady.

15. …you think freedom means making up someone else’s mind for them.

16. …you think it’s a victory for freedom and democracy if Iraqis vote in Iraq, but “voter fraud” and an attempt to “steal the election” if minority Democrats are permitted to vote in the United States.

The fresh air of Democracy

2005-01-29T15:43:00.000-08:00

M....D....W...?

2005-01-29T15:26:00.000-08:00

Al Franken TV

2005-01-24T16:19:00.000-08:00

He hasn't even been on the radio for a year, and liberal funnyman and commentator Al Franken is greatly expanding into big-city markets like Washington. But we hear that there's more in store. In D.C. last week to crash President Bush 's inaugural, Franken told us that he's in the final stages of negotiating a long-term contract with the Sundance Channel, the same outfit that temporarily aired his radio show up to Election Day. Franken, the face of the lefty Air America radio network, is thinking big when it comes to TV. Like Howard Stern and Don Imus big. Both of those jocks have popular TV outlets for their radio shows, and Franken eyes borrowing a little from each. "It's sort of halfway in between what Imus does, which is literally a live show on MSNBC, and what Stern does," Franken said, explaining his grand plan. What Stern does, he added, is tape his show and reair it a few weeks later with lots of cool graphics. What Franken wants to do is an Imus-Stern combo: Tape his radio show, edit it, then air a shortened but snazzed-up version on Sundance that night.

SpongeBob denies that he is gay

2005-01-24T15:35:00.000-08:00

.......not that there is anything wrong with that!

SpongeBob SquarePants lashed out at Christian conservative groups today after they accused him of promoting homosexuality and questioned the undersea cartoon icon's sexuality. SquarePants also requested that the tabloid media respect his privacy during what he called "a difficult time."

Liberty Flourishes in...Iran?

2005-01-23T21:35:00.000-08:00

Apparently, Iran is harbouring more liberty than oppression these days, at least when compared to the US in expatriate Iraqi voter registration.

Of the 234,000 Iraqi expats living Stateside, only 16,794 have registered to vote in the upcoming elections. In Iran, 41,088 of the 81,000 Iraqi expats have registered. Iran is beating us by 51% to 7%. You'd think that Bush, who is so fond of inflating numbers, would exert the minimal effort required to register the American Iraqis.

Wishing & Hoping & Praying

2005-01-20T05:57:00.000-08:00

The most disturbing undertone of Condi's confirmation hearing was the only point of agreement among all the Senators: that their confirmation would transform Dr. Rice into a competent public official.

When she tried to foist off a very basic question about currency to the Dept. of the Treasury, Dick Lugar did what he almost never does. He spoke out of turn to point out that the issue was of central concern to the State Department, and then, like almost every Senator who spoke over the last two days, he expressed a fervent hope that Dr. Rice will grow to more fully understand the nature of her new responsibility when she is appointed.

That's hardly the kind of endorsement a Secretary of State should be getting from a Republican chairman of her approving committee. Competency is the least that should be expected, but particularly now, when the Secretary of State will face a clear and pressing agenda where so much is at stake, there should be unanimous faith in her ability, not a unanimous hope that she will somehow transform herself into a fully functioning chief diplomat.

Most telling is Condi's own perspective on her role. When asked by Obama about the suppression of dissenting viewpoints in the Bush administration, she explained that the President is the only elected official in the Executive Branch, and her job is to serve him. Though you can justify such a cloying job description at NSA, at State that is simply unacceptable. The fact that she doesn't understand the role she is stepping into was abundantly clear to the committee who seemed to throw up its hands and pray that she'll somehow mature upon her confirmation.

The committee then adjourned to go tilt at windmills.

That old black magic

2005-01-17T08:11:00.000-08:00

Well, Hersh has done it again, with another fine expose. This time out, he's revealing the secret plans for Operation Iraqi Freedom II: Iran.

Among the highlights of the piece is the resurfacing of that old chestnut that Cheney was so fond of offering in support of the Iraqi invasion: that an initial American strike would set off a natural eruption of anti-regime violence that will take care of the bulk of the fighting for us.

Another gem is Rummy's inventive back-door solution to the consolidation of intelligence outside of the Pentagon. By having the President sign findings and orders that authorize "black intelligence" operations, Rummy can gather intelligence without having to report to congress, the way the CIA would if they ran a covert operation. Rummy's playing these ops so close to the vest that he's not even sharing the information they gathered with his CINC's. So, not only has intelligence reform failed to streamline the flow of information, it has deepend the fractures between our spies and our military commanders.

How to become a Christian

2005-01-14T16:33:00.000-08:00

Would you like to become a Christian? Then pray for a natural disaster and they will be answered by "WorldHelp," a Virginia-based missionary group.

Jesus H. Christ

Luckily, this did not come to fruition. The Indonesian government blocked the move.

And the hits just keep on coming...

2005-01-11T21:55:00.000-08:00

In our continuing coverage of the administration's media manipulation (read "propaganda"), the Financial Times reports that our man in Iraq is no slouch at this game, either.

So much for a moral Administration

2005-01-08T13:55:00.000-08:00

-Producing fake news stories.
-Paying TV hosts to push their agenda.

Can this Administration go any lower?

Oh, I'm sure they'll come up with something.